I am who I am...period; refusing to conform for a sport despite the competition

I can't change who I am.  I've been this way since day one.  I'm a little weird, I have a somewhat awkward build to my body, I love to laugh, I love having fun and I refuse to conform to certain standards people have set to succeed at something.  I know the last part sounds like an endless rant carved out of a movie or dramatic television show but it's the truth.  Many people don't know this about me but I never felt accepted in any circle.  I always felt like the odd man out, the loopy one, the one who always did things just a little bit differently then everyone else.  That's true, no denying that.  I'm ok with not fitting or being accepted in any circle now.  Truth is, while I may be the odd man out I'm at least the one trying to obtain something and not trying to fit into a circle, and enjoying myself in the process.

People seem to have my life planned out for me.  Go to college, go to graduate school, get a good job, get married, have children.  I've always done what others have expected of me and when it comes right down to it, I wasn't enjoying myself. I was determined to shut everyone's mouth and just do what I wanted to do, no matter how unconventional or out of the box it may seem.  This is why I chose to do fitness modeling.

This is a completely new journey, something I never expected nor saw myself doing.  But I figured, while I have the body, the legs, the energy and gravity on my side why not go for it?  I love trying out new things, just to see what I'm good at, and not caring one way or the other about other people's opinion.  So many times I've stopped myself from doing something because of what others may have thought about it.  But then I realized, if I can accept people for who they are and what they do, I should be too.  After doing a couple of shows and telling a few people what I'm doing with fitness modeling and seeing and hearing the ignorance, I had to stop wanting people to accept it because the more they talked the more detached I became from them.  They were slowly becoming unglued from my world and I didn't want to shut everyone out completely, like my parents, for example, who don't necessarily agree with this. 

Even in doing fitness modeling I have found there are certain things that one should do in order to be included in the circle.  Cardio 2-3 times a week, eat rice cakes with peanut butter, eat every 3 hours, meal plan for the entire week, pump your body full of vitamins and supplements, and drink gallons upon gallons of water.  I eat right, I exercise regularly.  I take supplements and I do everything that my body allows me to do.  But I don't do everything that is "required".  For instance, I hate peanut butter, I can never remember to take pills, even if I have an alarm set; my body cannot handle eating every 3 hours and while I love drinking water, drinking 2-3 gallons of it makes me want physically ill.  Does this make me less of a fitness model?  Do the awards and recognition I've received so far mean nothing now?  I don't think so.  One thing that was left off the fitness modeling requirement list is to have fun, which is what I do. 

At the end of the day, this is a hobby of mine, something that is out of the norm and the one thing in my entire life that has fulfilled me.  I may not fit in the "fitness circle" either and after years of experience of not fitting in circles, I'm ok with that.  I don't need to conform and fit into a specific group to feel accepted.  I'm doing what makes me feel happy and not changing for anybody and that is how I intend to succeed.  Period.

Wherever my toes go, I follow....except on stage

I can stand perfectly erect, chin up, chest out, hands at my sides, knees pointing as forward as they can (they're the knobbiest looking knees you'd ever care to see).  My feet, on the other hand face each other.  That's right, I'm pigeon-toed.  I'm a solid 5'8, all legs, small torso, boyish body, athletic build, the tiniest ankles practically in the world, freakishly long arms, sticks for legs and size 10 feet.  Add the fact that I am pigeon-toed to all of that and you have a very interesting looking specimen. I never thought it was such a big deal until I became self-conscious about my outward appearance and how the rest of the world saw me.  If I saw myself like this, what did everyone else see? 

My workouts are quite comical, to say the least.  I often take pictures of myself working out in the gym and post them on Instagram or Facebook and notice how I'm even pigeon-toed when I workout.  Lunges, step ups, squats, running on the treadmill, you name it.  If it's a workout that involves my feet and movement, please believe the toes are talking to each other.  I have tried to train my feet to be straighter, but it doesn't work. 

Normally, this is something that can or should be corrected when you're a child.  Clearly, it wasn't, so I'm dealing with it as a twenty-something year old adult.  All of the physicians I've talked to didn't see where it was a problem because it wasn't affecting my walk or posture.  But it was affecting me!  When I decided to do fitness modeling I said to myself, "how on earth are you planning on walking and standing straight on stage, in front of people, without your feet talking to each other?  The only thing I could think of was talking to myself, not out loud, to stand straight and appear as regal as I possibly can without looking clumsy.  Almost like people from other countries who sing but don't sing in the same voice as their native country (more popular and international songs world-wide, that is).  Any other day the toes lead and I follow.  But on that stage, I run the show.  I tell myself "suck in your stomach, smile, look at the judges, pose, smile, suck in your stomach, look at the judges, turn, pose, turn, smile, look at the judges, keep your feet straight, smile, keep smiling, pose (it hurts like hell but you're doing it right if it does), keep smiling, keep your feet straight, now walk off stage without tripping because all of your cool points will be lost." 

Once I'm off the stage and the lights are no longer shining on me, I'm back to following my toes.  Honestly, I don't know how that works but it does.  I swear, my life just can't be simple!