Your Health and Fitness Should Be About You and No One Else

I've mentioned in earlier posts my reason for turning my life over to health and fitness.  For those of you who have not read those posts, let me fill you in.  My mother suffered a major stroke 13 years ago that rendered her somewhat paralyzed on her left side.  I say somewhat because she can still walk and talk but she hardly has any movement in her left arm (she's left-handed) and she walks with a limp. She was able to fight back, however, and even managed to drive and continue living what she deems an active lifestyle; church activities, store runs, attending school events with my niece, etc.  June and July of last year, my mother suffered multiple mini strokes back to back, which affected her speech.  She has days where she sounds clear and other days where she sounds tired and sluggish.  Nonetheless, she's still a fighter.

I wasn't sure how to react or what to be mad at.  My gene pool (my mother's mother suffered a stroke many years ago and died), myself for not knowing what to do to help prevent my mother from having the multiple strokes, or my mother for not slowing down enough and taking care of her health the way she should.  I decided none of the above options were good enough reasons to throw a tantrum and curse the world over, so I decided to take stock in my own life and see what bad habits I've inherited or picked up along the way and how can I change them.

The change would be for me.  It doesn't seem fair to my mother to say I'm changing my life and making it healthier and incorporating an active lifestyle that involves heavy exercising and getting into a sport like body building to keep up appearances, something you were not able to do for me or for yourself.  That's a pretty rotten way of thinking.  I thought I was giving my mother credit by saying her stroke and bad eating habits were the reasons I became more health and fitness conscious, but realized it only highlighted her condition and put her in a negative light.  At least that's what I felt it did.  She may not be a body builder but she's a fighter, and her strength may not be in lifting a 35 lb. bar over her head or doing bent over rows, but it is her willingness to not let this illness drag her down to the depths of despair and inevitably take her life.  She wasn't giving up for herself.  No one or nothing else was a factor in her decision. 

Having learned this, I decided I had to do this health and fitness thing for myself.  Many people do not understand why I'm doing it in the first place, and in actuality, my parents don't either.  For me, that motivates me that much more to push and do it for myself.  No one else will understand what you're doing until they see the end results and eventually it makes sense to them.  Your reason for turning your life over to whatever suits you in a positive way primarily starts with you.  The story behind it and the motivation to keep going is secondary.

Work With Your Immune System, Not Against It

It's that time of year, where germs are spread more than icing on a red velvet cake.  That is why it is imperative to keep your body healthy and to boost your immune system to ward off any illnesses seeking to disrupt your holiday jolly time.  Essentially, your immune system acts as a protector against germs so that your body will not inevitably shut down.  Incorporating healthy eating choices into your diet and generally understanding your body and how your immune system works allows you to develop a more conscious and healthy lifestyle.

We inhale thousands upon thousands of germs each day.  Take a moment to think about that.  Each time you breathe, you are breathing in millions of germs surrounding you, just floating around in the air without a care in the world.  Knowing this, it makes sense to prep your body for illnesses attempting to attack it.  That's why we boost our immune system.  The same way a company gives out incentives to its employers to boost or strengthen the morale within the workplace so that everyone is happy and on the same page, is the same way our immune systems are boosted.  We want our immune system strengthened so that when germs (bacteria and viruses) attempt to enter our body and shut it down, it will serve as a blocker against them.

Ways to boost your immune system:

1. Drink water - we want to flush out the toxins from our bodies.  The way to do that is staying hydrated.  Another benefit is it helps digest food.  A strong digestive system allows nutrition to distribute adequately.
2. Eat smart, eat healthy - eating gobs of hot dogs, hamburgers, fries, pizza, and drinking soda sounds like a good time, and it's an even better time for those germs to slip in and take over because your immune system is not receiving any nutrients from these types of foods.  Citrus fruits loaded with Vitamin C, foods rich in protein (chicken, fish, turkey, lean cuts of beef), quinoa, black beans, spinach, lemon, ginger, garlic, broccoli, kale, sweet potatoes, all are better alternatives for boosting your immune system.
3. Adequate amounts of sleep - it goes without saying; if you do not get enough sleep, your body will shut down on you.  It needs rest to refuel energy levels so that you can do what you did the day before 10 x's better the next day. 
4. Proper hygiene - it is simple; wash your hands, use hand sanitizer, brush your teeth, wash your hair, face and body.  Period.
5. Check ups - it is necessary to make sure your vitals are still vital and your ticker is still ticking. 
6. Exercise - this one is my favorite, naturally.  Maintaining a consistent workout plan throughout your week strengthens your body, while your blood is able to flow easier and pumps rapidly.

In order to stay healthy we have to be healthy.  We have to know what germs are surrounding us and the ways to prevent them from entering our body.  Wishing everyone a happy and healthy holiday!

The Joys of Being an Ectomorph; My Body Type

As I've stated in earlier posts, I am an ectomorph.  I was not made known of this until I started taking fitness more seriously and got into fitness modeling.  At that point, it was important to learn my body. I couldn't figure out why I could not gain weight or keep muscle, no matter how much I ate, how much I lifted, and how much I prayed for the weight gain (exaggerating).  I dismissed it and said it must be genetic, so I better eat all I can now because when I get older it is not going to be the same.  This was easy to do, but being that I was now competing and showing off my body against other females who could pack on more muscle in a day than I could in a month made me more alert and wanting to know more about my body and what I needed to do to gain size.

The basics: an ectomorph body type is lean/skinny, less muscle mass, small bones and joints, high metabolism, and essentially, everyone hates you because you are this way.  Maybe not so much the latter, but not much of a stretch.  Because your body is already lean you have sort of an edge in the competition, but not by much.  You still have to gain and maintain muscle mass.  This is probably the hardest part. 


Because our bodies naturally burn a lot of calories and our metabolism is high, ectomorphs are advised to keep cardio training at a minimum.  Cardio is still essential, but it can include certain types of cardio workouts such as circuit training or HIIT style (kettle bell swings, push ups, sprints, etc.).  These should be kept to at least 30 minutes. Workouts such as dead lift, lateral pulls, jump squats with the bar, dumbbell curls, calf raisers, bench press, squats (the list goes on and on) are vital in muscle growth, in addition to eating the right nutrients and supplement intake (amino acid, protein shake, creatin).  Some are against ectomorphs taking supplements because our bodies do not need it.  However, if you are in a sport like body building or just want to gain it is essential in getting them into your system because of how it works consistently with your workouts and dieting.  At least for me it does.

One other challenge I continued running into was eating.  I did not know what to eat, how to eat, when to eat, etc.  All I knew was that I had to eat properly because my brain has been trained that when your body feasts on improper eating habits (fried fatty foods, high sodium, high glucose, fructose, sucrose, dextrose...sugar) it will suffer and the end results, at least the ones I've seen in my family, are not good.  My mother suffers from high blood pressure which has resulted in her having multiple strokes.  I saw this and immediately wanted to change my eating habits and maintain an active, healthy lifestyle.  Everything comes with a price.  Literally.  The price of organic vs. non organic is about $5, and that is not an exaggeration from the stores I shop at.  Or taking organic out of the equation, a box of cookies at $2.50 vs. a bag of kale chips at $5.60.  Seriously, if you don't grow your own foods you're liable to go broke if you live on a budget and trying to eat healthy.  This is a sacrifice I was willing to make for competing.  The key to remember for ectomorphs is we can essentially eat what we want, in moderation of course, but smart and healthy.  Breaking up large meals into smaller portion sized meals throughout the day is beneficial.

 

At the end of the day, ectomorphs are rare and unique in true form.  While our bodies, for the most part, appear lean and lanky, there are tricks of the trade to learn in order to even out our body, and by that I mean shaping it into a form that suits us.  My form consists of tightness and definition, one that I am proud to say took hard work to develop, so naturally I cannot go back to the way I was just to start over again.

Kale vs. Spinach; My Preference and Benefits for Fitness Modeling

My trainer and I have gone back and forth on kale and spinach.  Both are clearly healthy choices in the leafy greens department, you can't go wrong with either.  Some nutritional facts point to kale (all hail kale!), where it is high in vitamin A, C, & K, low calorie, anti-inflammatory, lowers cholesterol, good source for bones, eyes, skin and reduces risk of heart disease and cancer.  Then you have spinach that lowers blood pressure, fights cardiovascular disease and stroke, aids in digestion, contains folate/folic acid (this is especially important for women who are pregnant), high in iron, fights psoriasis, acne and wrinkles.  And who can forget this being the go-to veggie for good ole Popeye, so naturally it's a good source of fiber and strength as well.  So why the back and forth?  Because one says eat more kale and the other insists on eating spinach.

Being a fitness competitor I have to make sure I have a balance of nutrients in my diet during competition prep, otherwise my body will not hold muscle, I'll be weaker and my workouts will be tougher to manage.  Ideally, it would seem as though I would include both kale and spinach in my diet because of all the health benefits tied to each, right?  Not quite.  While both aid in muscle growth I can't help but feel as if I'm a spinach kind of girl.  Not to say there's anything wrong with kale.  In fact, if cooked properly, kale tastes a little better than spinach.  A little.  The texture is a little tough, but so is steak and kale actually has more iron than beef.  So what's my beef with kale?  There isn't one.  I just love the way spinach cooks and the things I can prepare with it.  I love making spinach casserole dishes, and pairing spinach with fish and mixed vegetables.  It is an elegant presentation.  Or drizzling some olive oil, sprinkling some pepper and salad seasoning and splashing some vinegar on it makes a wonderful meal.  Now don't get me wrong, there are many ways to prepare kale and making it presentation worthy, not to mention kale chips are amazing, but I can't let seem to let go of the idea that spinach is my go-to leafy green.

Some people may think it is a little outlandish to think that one is better than the other, especially if you are in a sport like body building where both greens would work better for your body if equal amounts are consumed.  I do not dismiss those claims.  However, I believe as long as you consume one or the other rather than none your body is happy regardless.  It's not uncommon for people to prefer one food over another.  It just so happens I prefer spinach over kale.  Both good sources of nutrients, both excellent agents in minimizing fat storage and building muscle, both good sources on the road to clean eating.  But I like spinach.  It's not a crime.  But my goal next year is to incorporate more kale into my diet so I will have a good balance.  But I'll still prefer spinach.  Period. 

Fitness Is My Boyfriend

All my ex's and the guys waiting in the wings for me, please pay very special attention to this message. I have a new boyfriend named Fitness (fancy isn't it 😉). We were kind of "talking" and "just friends" for a while until sometime last year when I made my feelings known that I wanted more of a serious commitment. He agreed and said he would do anything it takes to keep me right; mind, body and spirit. Doesn't that sound like a keeper?? 

So here we are, a year and four months later, and we're still going strong. Don't get me wrong, we've had our blow-ups and I've almost ended the relationship a few times. But something in me won't give up on us. It's all in how he makes me feel, not to mention look. I feel and look better than I ever have in my entire life, and I owe that all to my boo, Fitness (such a fancy name!). We've done things together I never thought I could do or even wanted to do.  He's kind of wild and exciting, spontaneous. And he wears me out 😝!  Sorry ladies, he's allllll mine!! I know I won't be giving him up without a fight, because he taught me how. 

So to my love, my heart, I say I love you with all my aching muscles. I will never cheat on you nor will I give up on you as long as blood pumps through my veins. Our bond is as strong as two 45 lb plates resting squarely on my shoulders as I squat. You planked me with your love and I reciprocated by bench pressing your heart to mine. You don't consider me a dumbbell when I do an exercise wrong. Instead, you arm curl me to your chest and show me how to do it right. You're not easy on me, though. I can handle that. You're my iron therapist on days when I have issues, and my beast on those...other days. I'm a lucky girl to have such a strong man in her corner 😉. 

But I'm Tired....Days When I Feel Like Giving Up

Not everyday is happy, sunny, running barefoot in the meadows wonderful when I workout.  There are days when I'm physically and mentally exhausted.  Too tired to think, speak, and even move. Somehow, I manage to do it, but barely. There are times where I actually argue with my trainer, completely blow-up. Cuss, fuss, then storm out.

During these times, when I'm completely drained, I get into discourage mode and want to give up.  I'm talking throw up both hands, back away dramatically and say, "F this s*it!"  Many things play a role in this state of mind; work stress, finances, the physical pain and strain to my body, results not showing fast enough, and, the biggie, what is the end goal here and what am I doing this for?  I've mentioned my whole stress process in a previous post, it gets pretty ugly, fast, and before I know it everything has spiraled out of control. The days where I feel like giving up I have to think of the things that have gotten me to that point and is the end goal, what I'm working hard to achieve, worth all of this.

One side of me says, "But I'm hangry (combination of hungry and angry) and I just want a cookie and to punch somebody!" The other side of me says "Stop being a baby, get it together and quit trippin'!" The results aren't going to get there without hardwork behind it. So, I wipe my face, dust off my shoulders and get back in the lab and do, what I consider, is my best.   

Days I feel like giving up don't last long because my fight, dedication and determination is stronger than it ever has been. I figure something that's hanging on as tightly as fitness and fitness modeling isn't worth giving up on. It's more push to keep it going and fight those urges I have to "give up" as hard as I can. 

So I continue dieting when I don't want to, workout when my body aches, and shake off those sissy "give up" feelings.  Because at the end of the day, proving to myself I can conquer all of this and finally be great at something is not just the push but the "shove" I need to step up to the plate and get it. I'm hangry for it! 

                                             

Glamour can get ugly; the negative driving forces behind fitness modeling

When the glitz and glam and all the spray tan wears off, reality sets in. I start to think about my true motivation for this sport and what drives me. As I have stated in a previous post, I've never been a part of something and stuck with it. This sport allowed me to take what I or others may have deemed awkward and weird (my body) into something beautiful, inspirational and glamourous. But just like everything else, there's a dark side.

What I've learned from competing this year (my first year) is you're either all in or you're not.  Point, blank and the period.  No one is going to spend countless hours prepping their body and minds for a sport they have no interest in.  You have to stay committed to your diet, your body, your coach (if you have one), your training or trainer (if you have one), and the goals you've set.  There are competitors whose driving force is obtaining a pro card.  That's their motivator, that's what keeps them in the game.  Some are in it just for the sport itself, to stay active, fit and have fun and that's enough for them.  Absolutely nothing wrong with that.  But whatever the motivator is, you have to make sure you stick with it.  Either you're in or you're not.  Last thing anyone wants is their time and money (HELLO!!) wasted. 

The ugliness to all of this is the factor behind the driving force.  Some competitors in this sport for the pro card get so consumed with that motivator that nothing else matters.  They're so hungry for it becomes a lifestyle change.  Suddenly, they're gymrats, trainers, life coaches, vegans, nutritionists and their whole world is about peanut butter, spinach, sweet potatoes and fish.  Now, I'm not saying anything is wrong with this but when you get so wrapped up in something and what's considered the "it" thing in that sport, you become that sport instead of just letting the sport be what it is and just fitting into your role as competitor. 

When I first started, I was in all the way.  I was a gymrat, I thought about being a trainer and tossed around the idea of a nutritionist.  But I quickly realized it would be more of a job than just being what it is, a hobby.  I wanted to have fun with this sport, not let it consume my everyday life.  I wanted to be able to take a break from it and come back with that same fresh adrenaline pumping energy as I did with my 2nd show (I wasn't all that enthused with my 1st show). 

My motivation to continue competing is to enjoy my body the way it is now, have a story to tell and to say to someone, yes, I competed in fitness body building competitions and had a blast.  Do I want a pro card?  Yes, someday.  But I'm not going to kill myself if I don't.  I'm going to factor in what needs to be done, get back in the lab and get it done.  Point, blank and the period.

The brace-face year; prepping for a stage worthy smile and didn't even know it!

Last year, I had adult braces and they were cute all of ten seconds before I got tired of them.  Not only did I sound like a 12 year old with my voice but strip off the makeup and I was a lean mean tween. 

I remember the consultation I had with my orthodontist and he asked me what kind of smile I wanted. I told him I wanted to keep my original smile, just straighten my bottom teeth. He said ok. We went on with the consultation and he took a few photos of my teeth and  smile for my records. He asked me again what kind of smile I wanted. I couldn't decide whether he was hard of hearing or just trying to make a point, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and chose the latter. I told him I wanted a dazzling smile that would shine brightly across a crowded room or on a stage. I wanted it to be noticeable, big, bright and beautiful. I also threw in, like how it is now but straighter. I assumed by his much more satisfied disposition that this was the answer he was looking for. We went the long way around the bush but finally we had gotten somewhere. I didn't know from that consultation that I was speaking light into what I was in store for in the future with fitness modeling. My braces came off just in time for my first show and I couldn't stop smiling. I was like a grinning fool. Licking my teeth and showing off my choppers every chance I got.

I was in my element. I could not only show off my body that I was working extremely hard for but I was showing off my perfectly straight and pearly white teeth that I paid a grip for. I was proud, and knowing the outcome and what it took to get where I was and knowing what I had ahead of me made me smile even more. So even when I don't feel like it, when I'm not on stage and when it's just me in the room, I smile. There's too much to frown about so why not?

Let's go to school; my body and how I view it vs. other's opinions

So I'm one of those skinny folks in the world that doesn't like being reminded that I'm skinny. In fact, as I've gotten older, I hate it. Just like (I really don't like using this word) fat people generally don't like being called fat, I don't like to be called skinny. I look at my body everyday, lived in this thin skin for 29 years so I kinda know how I look by now. I don't need a constant reminder. But I had to look at the people that were dishing out the reminders. People who weren't happy in their own thick skin. Yeah, I said it. Now, I can make fun of myself; I know my body, the quirks & things that generally make me look odd. Other people doing it though, I can't say I love it too much. I think it's because the place that some people come from with their criticism is a mean spirited place to tear and/or wear me down. Criticism is ok but coming from people that don't have to live with the results OR aren't happy with their own selves so they take it out on people who are happy with themselves and their bodies is comical but sad. Why put me down? If I haven't said anything negative about your body why say anything about mine? And if you're not happy with your body why take it out on me? Here's a tip, honey boo boo: do something about it!

I've decided, rather than tear down these individuals as they tried to do me, I would educate them, take them to school. I can show better than I can tell, so I decided to turn what they tried to deem as ugly, awkward and negative into something beautiful and positive. And look at me now! I'm healthy and I'm in fitness modeling, and my "skinny" body is actually appealing to some people. Who knew right?

I don't want this to sound like an angry post or come off as condescending and braggadocios. It's more of a teaching tool. You have no idea how long I've had to live with people who have told me my skinny-self wasn't much and I needed to eat more meat. Well, I do eat but I eat healthy and in moderation. 

At the end of the day, I use all criticism to push and motivate myself that much harder. I never thought I would become a teacher but I guess I am. It's a grueling job and my pay may not seem all that great but my reward is turning the ignorant into conscious believers. Life is a lesson and class is definitely in session. 

When will the aching stop?

I've been working out non-stop for roughly a year.  Before then, my workouts consisted of an aerobic class here, a yoga class there, pole dancing to spice it up and kick boxing, just to throw in a little variety.  Nothing ever stuck.  But once I turned my life over to complete fitness and decided I needed to workout on a more consistent basis, I hired a trainer and got serious.  At that time, I didn't have enough motivation to workout myself, so getting a trainer seemed to be the most logical thing to do.  I knew my body would ache for awhile because I was just starting out and my trainer felt I could take it because of my boyish frame and athletic build (giggle).  There would be days where my arms wouldn't move.  They would lock at the joints and my muscles were extremely tight.  Other days my legs were weak as water and I had a hitch in my giddy-up.  It literally felt like my body ached from my eye lids to my toenails.  As the weeks went by and my body became more susceptible to the workouts, the aches and pains gradually wore off.

Now that I'm in fitness modeling, the workouts are more grueling, intense and rigorous.  The days where my arms were unmovable and I wreaked of Tiger Balm were upon me once again.  I couldn't figure it out.  I thought since I was becoming more fit and active that I wouldn't have to feel as much pain as I did when I first began working out.  But I realized that I've only been doing this a year and the weights my trainer put on me were increasing. Nonetheless, Tiger Balm is readily by my bedside and I stay soaking in a hot bath on those particular days. 

I couldn't help but think, so this is what it's like to be an athlete? It hurts like hell but I guess if I'm going to be a part of this life the aching won't stop for a while.  I think I can get used to that.  It hurts so good, but I would never tell my trainer...

Allow me this one moment; reflecting on my motivation in fitness modeling

I think the reason I want to succeed so much at fitness modeling is because never in my life have I had something that I was truly great at.  I never had anyone praise me for anything besides scholastics and writing, and even then I never really received accolades and true admiration for it.  This, fitness modeling, is something that I can say I stepped out of my comfort zone for and succeeded, or at least feel as though I can go all the way.  I've always wanted to be great at something, always wanted to succeed at something.  Always wanted something that I didn't have to share with someone that just belonged to me.  Something my parents could tell our family and their friends that, beyond college, their daughter did this and it made them proud.  Right now, all they can honestly say they're proud of is that I graduated at the top of my high school and undergrad class and received my masters degree.  I'm not doing all of this for anyone but myself but I can't help but think I'm doing this for all the underdogs of the world, the ones that are too scared to step outside the box and try something different because of what people will think or say about them, the voiceless and unmotivated that need someone to carry the torch.  Well, if I am that sacrificial lamb, so be it.  I just want to succeed.  I just want to be great.  To me, it's more than just my body that is on display.  It's my heart.  Underneath all the glow of the lights, the hair, mounds of makeup, the spray tan, and oil covering my body, I want my inner-self to shine through so they, the judges and everyone else viewing me, can see that there's more to me than what they're seeing on stage.

I just had to get that off my chest......

I am who I am...period; refusing to conform for a sport despite the competition

I can't change who I am.  I've been this way since day one.  I'm a little weird, I have a somewhat awkward build to my body, I love to laugh, I love having fun and I refuse to conform to certain standards people have set to succeed at something.  I know the last part sounds like an endless rant carved out of a movie or dramatic television show but it's the truth.  Many people don't know this about me but I never felt accepted in any circle.  I always felt like the odd man out, the loopy one, the one who always did things just a little bit differently then everyone else.  That's true, no denying that.  I'm ok with not fitting or being accepted in any circle now.  Truth is, while I may be the odd man out I'm at least the one trying to obtain something and not trying to fit into a circle, and enjoying myself in the process.

People seem to have my life planned out for me.  Go to college, go to graduate school, get a good job, get married, have children.  I've always done what others have expected of me and when it comes right down to it, I wasn't enjoying myself. I was determined to shut everyone's mouth and just do what I wanted to do, no matter how unconventional or out of the box it may seem.  This is why I chose to do fitness modeling.

This is a completely new journey, something I never expected nor saw myself doing.  But I figured, while I have the body, the legs, the energy and gravity on my side why not go for it?  I love trying out new things, just to see what I'm good at, and not caring one way or the other about other people's opinion.  So many times I've stopped myself from doing something because of what others may have thought about it.  But then I realized, if I can accept people for who they are and what they do, I should be too.  After doing a couple of shows and telling a few people what I'm doing with fitness modeling and seeing and hearing the ignorance, I had to stop wanting people to accept it because the more they talked the more detached I became from them.  They were slowly becoming unglued from my world and I didn't want to shut everyone out completely, like my parents, for example, who don't necessarily agree with this. 

Even in doing fitness modeling I have found there are certain things that one should do in order to be included in the circle.  Cardio 2-3 times a week, eat rice cakes with peanut butter, eat every 3 hours, meal plan for the entire week, pump your body full of vitamins and supplements, and drink gallons upon gallons of water.  I eat right, I exercise regularly.  I take supplements and I do everything that my body allows me to do.  But I don't do everything that is "required".  For instance, I hate peanut butter, I can never remember to take pills, even if I have an alarm set; my body cannot handle eating every 3 hours and while I love drinking water, drinking 2-3 gallons of it makes me want physically ill.  Does this make me less of a fitness model?  Do the awards and recognition I've received so far mean nothing now?  I don't think so.  One thing that was left off the fitness modeling requirement list is to have fun, which is what I do. 

At the end of the day, this is a hobby of mine, something that is out of the norm and the one thing in my entire life that has fulfilled me.  I may not fit in the "fitness circle" either and after years of experience of not fitting in circles, I'm ok with that.  I don't need to conform and fit into a specific group to feel accepted.  I'm doing what makes me feel happy and not changing for anybody and that is how I intend to succeed.  Period.

Stress is for sissies...take it out in the gym!!

If stress is for sissies, I'm one of the biggest sissies in the world.  When I'm stressed, it seems as if the whole world is pressing on my shoulders and I can't do anything about it.  When it's there, it seems to hang until it tires itself out and I can finally relax and get peace, but that comes at a price.

My first fitness modeling competition was a disaster.  First off, I didn't want to do the show.  I was actually talked into doing it by my trainer and my coach.  I decided to go through with it anyway because it would be good "exposure", whatever that means.  Needless to say, I was stressed beyond recognition.  Not only did I feel as if I didn't have everything ready for the show (bikini bite, supplement intake, hair done, makeup, suit, hotel reservations, tan, need I go on??) I had an even bigger issue to deal with in the form of mother nature and her monthly "check-in".  I tried explaining all of this to my trainer, who happens to be a male, and he looked at me as if I had 12 heads.  Why couldn't he understand what I was going through and why I was lashing out the way that I was?  Because he's a man and they don't understand anything.  Simple as that.  Hormones raging, nerves jumping, pressure raising; this was the perfect storm.  Needless to say, I was devastated and angry.  I was heavy, puffy, sloshy, and did I mention STRESSED?!  But there was nothing I could do at that point but deal with it.  I no longer had control over the situation.  The only thing I could do was get one thing done at a time, ignore my trainer for the moment, and find some inner peace to get through the weekend.  I learned from that instance what I needed to do if I was ever faced with a difficult situation like that again.

When I'm stressed, I have a tendency to get very anxious and everything I can think of comes tumbling down on me and, for the moment, I lose control.  I felt this very recently right before my third competition.  The stressed started at work and spilled into the one place I get relieved from stress, the gym. My iron therapy, as it's so aptly called, was not working.  The stress continued to mount each time someone tried to "make me feel better".  I tried holding it together because I didn't want the effects of my stress and aggravation to be an all out shouting match.  I remained calm and held it together as long as I could but I still didn't feel better.  I rushed through the workouts only to be more aggravated.  I was crumbling.  Self-doubt began to weigh on me about my next show and how well I would do and look and everything else I could think of that would add more pressure fell on me.  Finally, I said enough is enough.  This is ridiculous.  That night, I sipped my dandelion root tea, said a few prayers, and went to sleep, with hopes that everything would smooth over the next day.  And it did.

Stress is a beast. It's not fun when you're going through it, but coming through that storm is the greatest feeling.  A sense of relief and peace is restored and you feel complete again, regaining all control that was inevitably lost during your sissy rant.  When I feel I don't have everything together for my competitions, I use everything around me to build my stress and it begins taking a toll on my body and my performance.  I didn't realize until this last competition.  This is probably the most difficult situation I've had to undergo since graduate school, and because I feel as if there is no one I can go to that will hear and understand what I'm going through (besides the people who are also fitness models and coaches) it makes it that much harder.  That's why it's so important to have support going through this and thick skin.  Nonetheless, this stress thing is just something that I have to work through if I ever plan on getting to the top and getting any better.  I have to hold it together, somehow, and not lose control in the process.  How can I call myself a fitness model then act like a sissy?  Last time I checked, sissies didn't have defined muscles and washboard abs...I'm just saying.

The turtle in my belly; downside to lifting heavy with my body

The little knot right above my belly piercing is the turtle head.

What would you think if you saw a tiny knot poking from your belly, at the very top of your navel region?  Some would immediately think there's a problem and to rush to the emergency room.  Others would try nursing it or research what the issue may be then call their family doctor to schedule an appointment.  Me, I'd look at it and say, "I have a turtle head poking out of my belly!"  This strange yet proud exclamation shouldn't be taken lightly.  I was concerned for all of two minutes while I carried on a lengthy conversation with my friend on the phone.  At one point, I thought, hernia, but dismissed it because I didn't know enough about a hernia to lay claim to that notion.  So I continued yelling out "I have a turtle head poking out of my belly!" to my friend, who wasn't sure what to say at that moment.    

When the pain persisted I called the people I knew would have the answer to my problem, my parents.  Neither one have gone to medical school nor have had any formal training in the field of medicine, but they'd know what to do to make the pain go away, at least until I spoke to a medical professional.  I was told to eat something, take a hot shower, rub some alcohol on my belly and keep still.  A trained medical professional probably wouldn't agree with my parents methods but it worked for the time being.  I asked if they thought it might be a hernia and they said possibly but I should make an appointment to be on the safe side.  I knew they'd know what to do. 

The turtle head went in his shell and for the next few days I felt fine.  Until,  one night during one of my intense workouts (by intense I mean heavy lifting and lots of complaining) the turtle poked his little head out again.  This time, I was lucky enough to have a physician in the gym working out as well.  What are the odds of that happening?  She felt around and assessed it to be what I thought all along, a hernia.  I scheduled an appointment for the following week and was told it was a possible umbilical hernia due to physical strain.  I explained to my doctor that I was now in fitness modeling and my workouts consisted of heavy weight lifting.  I was told I needed to slow down.  My body couldn't handle that much strain and that if I continued I would eventually have to have surgery. Stop.  He had me at surgery.  I wasn't about to go through that.  Fitness modeling is cool and all but not worth having surgery over.   

My trainer decided to slow down on the workouts, giving me more reps with less weights.  Still intense but he gets a little more creative so that I don't lose all the muscle I gained.  I made an agreement with the turtle that I won't strain as long as he didn't bring on the pain.  He complied and has kept his little head back in his shell, for now.

Wherever my toes go, I follow....except on stage

I can stand perfectly erect, chin up, chest out, hands at my sides, knees pointing as forward as they can (they're the knobbiest looking knees you'd ever care to see).  My feet, on the other hand face each other.  That's right, I'm pigeon-toed.  I'm a solid 5'8, all legs, small torso, boyish body, athletic build, the tiniest ankles practically in the world, freakishly long arms, sticks for legs and size 10 feet.  Add the fact that I am pigeon-toed to all of that and you have a very interesting looking specimen. I never thought it was such a big deal until I became self-conscious about my outward appearance and how the rest of the world saw me.  If I saw myself like this, what did everyone else see? 

My workouts are quite comical, to say the least.  I often take pictures of myself working out in the gym and post them on Instagram or Facebook and notice how I'm even pigeon-toed when I workout.  Lunges, step ups, squats, running on the treadmill, you name it.  If it's a workout that involves my feet and movement, please believe the toes are talking to each other.  I have tried to train my feet to be straighter, but it doesn't work. 

Normally, this is something that can or should be corrected when you're a child.  Clearly, it wasn't, so I'm dealing with it as a twenty-something year old adult.  All of the physicians I've talked to didn't see where it was a problem because it wasn't affecting my walk or posture.  But it was affecting me!  When I decided to do fitness modeling I said to myself, "how on earth are you planning on walking and standing straight on stage, in front of people, without your feet talking to each other?  The only thing I could think of was talking to myself, not out loud, to stand straight and appear as regal as I possibly can without looking clumsy.  Almost like people from other countries who sing but don't sing in the same voice as their native country (more popular and international songs world-wide, that is).  Any other day the toes lead and I follow.  But on that stage, I run the show.  I tell myself "suck in your stomach, smile, look at the judges, pose, smile, suck in your stomach, look at the judges, turn, pose, turn, smile, look at the judges, keep your feet straight, smile, keep smiling, pose (it hurts like hell but you're doing it right if it does), keep smiling, keep your feet straight, now walk off stage without tripping because all of your cool points will be lost." 

Once I'm off the stage and the lights are no longer shining on me, I'm back to following my toes.  Honestly, I don't know how that works but it does.  I swear, my life just can't be simple!

How did I get myself into this?

I was never much for working out.  I did it here and there, different types of workouts (kick boxing, yoga, pole-dancing, pilates, aerobics, you name it).  I never thought I needed to workout.  As I stated in my first post, I thought my body was fine.  It had gotten to a point where I really needed to get in shape, so, I hired a trainer.  From the beginning, he always said he saw something in me, wasn't sure what, but there was potential there for something.  I shrugged it off and kept on doing my workouts.  I didn't care that about the technique, I was just proud I was getting through them.  Even though I have a somewhat boyish, awkward looking body, I have an athletic build and an endurance for pain, most of the time, and vigorous workouts, I just never tested my limits.

One day as I was beginning my workout, I was approached by my trainer who asked me if I would be interested in fitness modeling.  "Fitness modeling?!" I screeched.  I had never heard of fitness modeling.  I was in the process of working off my gut full of Hawaiian rolls, white wine, and pasta so I wasn't trying to hear anything about fitness modeling.  However, my curiosity got the best of me so I had to ask, "what is that anyway?" He said it involved posing in a bikini and...stop right there.  He had me at pose and bikini.  I loved posing, especially in bikinis, so I said "let me do my research first and I'll let you know.  I did extensive research for roughly two weeks and read articles that talked about the process to becoming a fitness model, workouts, meal plans/dieting, and what it took to win competitions.  My trainer failed to mention this part to me because he knew I had given up my competitive edge some years back.  I had another trainer from our gym, a professional figure fitness model, talk to me about the process and if I would be on board.  She was willing to help me and my trainer, of course, would too.  I agreed to it.

One thing I can say about myself, I don't mind trying some new things.  I can be fearless at times and dive head first into things without really knowing what the outcome is, but isn't that half the fun?  When I was told I would have to "bulk up" I thought, out of sheer ignorance, I would have to be body builder buff.  That was quickly dismissed by my trainer.  He kindly explained to me that with my body type (i'm an ectomorph) it would be very hard for me to gain muscle, even harder maintaining it, and there was no way in HELL I was using performance enhancing drugs.  I would lift heavy and regularly, diet properly and get as much rest as I possibly could.  The rest part I can do all day, hands down.  That lifting heavy and dieting business was the challenge.  All in a fitness models days work, I guess.

I was ready for it though, bring it on baby!  I was just hoping I wouldn't severely hurt myself in the process....

It was fine as long as I was drinking beer and eating burritos...

When I first told my parents about my fitness modeling journey it was over breakfast.  I had waited a few months before I decided to tell them and at that moment I just blurted it out "I'm going to be doing fitness modeling.  What do you think?"  My mother nodded her head and my father murmured something inaudible.  I looked from one to the other, shrugged my shoulders and I went on eating my eggs.  Deep down, I know they care but because it is so out of the norm for them (they're both very old fashioned; bred from the south, smothered and covered) they're not sure how to react.  They figured if it's not something I studied in college and took an interest in earlier in life why should this be something they should take an interest in now, while I'm in my late twenties?  In their defense, I've never stayed on board with any other hobby, always quit.  But that's because it was never something I wanted to do.  This is something that I  can say, as an adult, that I'm not being thrown into, that I love and that I'm good at.  So now when I visit my parents, they always have to ask what can I eat instead of what do I want to eat.  I just tell them to have enough chicken, fish and veggies in the fridge and I'll supply the rest.  I have to travel with my supplements, protein shakes and other food items in a cooler.  All my parents can do is shake their head.

I wasn't just getting this reaction from my parents though.  Pretty soon, most of my friends that I would hang out with caught wind of my new lifestyle and soon started to slip away.  I'm not going to lie, in the beginning it bothered me.  All the hangouts and cookouts I once were invited to became far and few.  But then I started posting pictures of my progress on Facebook and Instagram.  Now, all those friends that mocked me were suddenly telling me how good I looked and they never knew how much my body had changed.  I had a few supportive friends and I was happy for them but the ones that turned from me when I started on this new journey were ones that had my attention.  I couldn't understand why everything seemed to be ok when I was drinking and eating as badly as they did but as I turned over a new leaf I was removed from their inner circle.  I slowly came to realize that misery indeed loves company.  I had always heard that phrase, understood the meaning but had never encountered it in my everyday life.  It's so funny how certain things in life turn into a lesson.

In the not-so beginning.....

The way I viewed my body is the way most people view a three tiered wedding cake adorned with diamonds and jewels, or a classic piece of artwork hung in the finest museums for all to marvel.  I figured because I was in my roaring twenties, a size four, 135 lbs soaking wet, tall, lean and mean, that my body was something to be mesmerized by and praised.  I was oh so wrong!

My friends and I liked taking beach trips and I would say to myself, "Dre Dre, if some people can walk out here with everything exposed and nothing left to the imagination why can't you?"  So I used what God gave me and my parents enabled and strutted.  Every surface my feet touched down on became my runway.  Oh I was lean and mean all right, but I had the softest, squishiest looking body that was point and laugh worthy.  I had no definition to my body.  And my belly took on a life of its own and became known to me as 'Biscuit' because of my love and obsession for bread. "Yeast will make you bigger," they said.  Ha!  The only place it made me bigger was my belly.  But that didn't matter.  I saw a svelte looking twenty-something with a wiggly booty, stick legs and pigeon toes.  And my goodness I loved a full body picture!  I couldn't stay out of the camera. 

I reflect on all of this now, looking at the progression my body has made thus far compared to how my body looked then, and I have to shake my head and laugh.  My personal trainer put it to me in a way that made me fall on the floor laughing but also made me think.  He said I held the most fat in my back and my stomach and called me a chubby skinny girl.  Ok, that's an oxymoron.  How in the world can I be classified as skinny but then be considered chubby?  But when I thought about it more, it made sense.  This is definitely no offense to anyone but I did have chubby girl tendencies.  I hid Hawaiian bread under my seat and would eat it freely when I was at a stop light.  Or I'd eat chips and salsa right before a yoga class.  I'd even eat a loaded chicken burritos after pole-dancing class and act like I just ate a light salad.  I can go on and on.

There are many contributing factors that play a part in my body transformation but it had to start with transforming my entire thought process and what my idea of a good looking body really is.  I had so many people tell me that I looked good and there was nothing wrong with me.  I was tall and skinny so I could get away with just about anything.  I started believing this and lived my life accordingly.  It took me reprogramming my mind to reprogram my image.  It started inward and progressed outwardly. 

This journey I've been on in transforming my body and lifestyle to a more healthier state has been bumpy, aggravating, hungry, hard and comical, all the more reason to share with others that may be able to relate or inspire.