I am who I am...period; refusing to conform for a sport despite the competition

I can't change who I am.  I've been this way since day one.  I'm a little weird, I have a somewhat awkward build to my body, I love to laugh, I love having fun and I refuse to conform to certain standards people have set to succeed at something.  I know the last part sounds like an endless rant carved out of a movie or dramatic television show but it's the truth.  Many people don't know this about me but I never felt accepted in any circle.  I always felt like the odd man out, the loopy one, the one who always did things just a little bit differently then everyone else.  That's true, no denying that.  I'm ok with not fitting or being accepted in any circle now.  Truth is, while I may be the odd man out I'm at least the one trying to obtain something and not trying to fit into a circle, and enjoying myself in the process.

People seem to have my life planned out for me.  Go to college, go to graduate school, get a good job, get married, have children.  I've always done what others have expected of me and when it comes right down to it, I wasn't enjoying myself. I was determined to shut everyone's mouth and just do what I wanted to do, no matter how unconventional or out of the box it may seem.  This is why I chose to do fitness modeling.

This is a completely new journey, something I never expected nor saw myself doing.  But I figured, while I have the body, the legs, the energy and gravity on my side why not go for it?  I love trying out new things, just to see what I'm good at, and not caring one way or the other about other people's opinion.  So many times I've stopped myself from doing something because of what others may have thought about it.  But then I realized, if I can accept people for who they are and what they do, I should be too.  After doing a couple of shows and telling a few people what I'm doing with fitness modeling and seeing and hearing the ignorance, I had to stop wanting people to accept it because the more they talked the more detached I became from them.  They were slowly becoming unglued from my world and I didn't want to shut everyone out completely, like my parents, for example, who don't necessarily agree with this. 

Even in doing fitness modeling I have found there are certain things that one should do in order to be included in the circle.  Cardio 2-3 times a week, eat rice cakes with peanut butter, eat every 3 hours, meal plan for the entire week, pump your body full of vitamins and supplements, and drink gallons upon gallons of water.  I eat right, I exercise regularly.  I take supplements and I do everything that my body allows me to do.  But I don't do everything that is "required".  For instance, I hate peanut butter, I can never remember to take pills, even if I have an alarm set; my body cannot handle eating every 3 hours and while I love drinking water, drinking 2-3 gallons of it makes me want physically ill.  Does this make me less of a fitness model?  Do the awards and recognition I've received so far mean nothing now?  I don't think so.  One thing that was left off the fitness modeling requirement list is to have fun, which is what I do. 

At the end of the day, this is a hobby of mine, something that is out of the norm and the one thing in my entire life that has fulfilled me.  I may not fit in the "fitness circle" either and after years of experience of not fitting in circles, I'm ok with that.  I don't need to conform and fit into a specific group to feel accepted.  I'm doing what makes me feel happy and not changing for anybody and that is how I intend to succeed.  Period.

Stress is for sissies...take it out in the gym!!

If stress is for sissies, I'm one of the biggest sissies in the world.  When I'm stressed, it seems as if the whole world is pressing on my shoulders and I can't do anything about it.  When it's there, it seems to hang until it tires itself out and I can finally relax and get peace, but that comes at a price.

My first fitness modeling competition was a disaster.  First off, I didn't want to do the show.  I was actually talked into doing it by my trainer and my coach.  I decided to go through with it anyway because it would be good "exposure", whatever that means.  Needless to say, I was stressed beyond recognition.  Not only did I feel as if I didn't have everything ready for the show (bikini bite, supplement intake, hair done, makeup, suit, hotel reservations, tan, need I go on??) I had an even bigger issue to deal with in the form of mother nature and her monthly "check-in".  I tried explaining all of this to my trainer, who happens to be a male, and he looked at me as if I had 12 heads.  Why couldn't he understand what I was going through and why I was lashing out the way that I was?  Because he's a man and they don't understand anything.  Simple as that.  Hormones raging, nerves jumping, pressure raising; this was the perfect storm.  Needless to say, I was devastated and angry.  I was heavy, puffy, sloshy, and did I mention STRESSED?!  But there was nothing I could do at that point but deal with it.  I no longer had control over the situation.  The only thing I could do was get one thing done at a time, ignore my trainer for the moment, and find some inner peace to get through the weekend.  I learned from that instance what I needed to do if I was ever faced with a difficult situation like that again.

When I'm stressed, I have a tendency to get very anxious and everything I can think of comes tumbling down on me and, for the moment, I lose control.  I felt this very recently right before my third competition.  The stressed started at work and spilled into the one place I get relieved from stress, the gym. My iron therapy, as it's so aptly called, was not working.  The stress continued to mount each time someone tried to "make me feel better".  I tried holding it together because I didn't want the effects of my stress and aggravation to be an all out shouting match.  I remained calm and held it together as long as I could but I still didn't feel better.  I rushed through the workouts only to be more aggravated.  I was crumbling.  Self-doubt began to weigh on me about my next show and how well I would do and look and everything else I could think of that would add more pressure fell on me.  Finally, I said enough is enough.  This is ridiculous.  That night, I sipped my dandelion root tea, said a few prayers, and went to sleep, with hopes that everything would smooth over the next day.  And it did.

Stress is a beast. It's not fun when you're going through it, but coming through that storm is the greatest feeling.  A sense of relief and peace is restored and you feel complete again, regaining all control that was inevitably lost during your sissy rant.  When I feel I don't have everything together for my competitions, I use everything around me to build my stress and it begins taking a toll on my body and my performance.  I didn't realize until this last competition.  This is probably the most difficult situation I've had to undergo since graduate school, and because I feel as if there is no one I can go to that will hear and understand what I'm going through (besides the people who are also fitness models and coaches) it makes it that much harder.  That's why it's so important to have support going through this and thick skin.  Nonetheless, this stress thing is just something that I have to work through if I ever plan on getting to the top and getting any better.  I have to hold it together, somehow, and not lose control in the process.  How can I call myself a fitness model then act like a sissy?  Last time I checked, sissies didn't have defined muscles and washboard abs...I'm just saying.