My first fitness modeling competition was a disaster. First off, I didn't want to do the show. I was actually talked into doing it by my trainer and my coach. I decided to go through with it anyway because it would be good "exposure", whatever that means. Needless to say, I was stressed beyond recognition. Not only did I feel as if I didn't have everything ready for the show (bikini bite, supplement intake, hair done, makeup, suit, hotel reservations, tan, need I go on??) I had an even bigger issue to deal with in the form of mother nature and her monthly "check-in". I tried explaining all of this to my trainer, who happens to be a male, and he looked at me as if I had 12 heads. Why couldn't he understand what I was going through and why I was lashing out the way that I was? Because he's a man and they don't understand anything. Simple as that. Hormones raging, nerves jumping, pressure raising; this was the perfect storm. Needless to say, I was devastated and angry. I was heavy, puffy, sloshy, and did I mention STRESSED?! But there was nothing I could do at that point but deal with it. I no longer had control over the situation. The only thing I could do was get one thing done at a time, ignore my trainer for the moment, and find some inner peace to get through the weekend. I learned from that instance what I needed to do if I was ever faced with a difficult situation like that again.
When I'm stressed, I have a tendency to get very anxious and everything I can think of comes tumbling down on me and, for the moment, I lose control. I felt this very recently right before my third competition. The stressed started at work and spilled into the one place I get relieved from stress, the gym. My iron therapy, as it's so aptly called, was not working. The stress continued to mount each time someone tried to "make me feel better". I tried holding it together because I didn't want the effects of my stress and aggravation to be an all out shouting match. I remained calm and held it together as long as I could but I still didn't feel better. I rushed through the workouts only to be more aggravated. I was crumbling. Self-doubt began to weigh on me about my next show and how well I would do and look and everything else I could think of that would add more pressure fell on me. Finally, I said enough is enough. This is ridiculous. That night, I sipped my dandelion root tea, said a few prayers, and went to sleep, with hopes that everything would smooth over the next day. And it did.
Stress is a beast. It's not fun when you're going through it, but coming through that storm is the greatest feeling. A sense of relief and peace is restored and you feel complete again, regaining all control that was inevitably lost during your sissy rant. When I feel I don't have everything together for my competitions, I use everything around me to build my stress and it begins taking a toll on my body and my performance. I didn't realize until this last competition. This is probably the most difficult situation I've had to undergo since graduate school, and because I feel as if there is no one I can go to that will hear and understand what I'm going through (besides the people who are also fitness models and coaches) it makes it that much harder. That's why it's so important to have support going through this and thick skin. Nonetheless, this stress thing is just something that I have to work through if I ever plan on getting to the top and getting any better. I have to hold it together, somehow, and not lose control in the process. How can I call myself a fitness model then act like a sissy? Last time I checked, sissies didn't have defined muscles and washboard abs...I'm just saying.
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